Uh Oh

Man, this does not bode well.

"Earth is a school and daily life is our classroom," asserts Dan Millman in his book Living on Purpose. Our teachers aren't always experts and authorities, he says, but often appear in the guise of strangers, acquaintances, children, animals, and unexpected circumstances. The lessons we're asked to master come to us first as simple, straightforward challenges. If we refuse to work at solving them, they take on progressively more difficult and painful forms. Among the most basic of our assignments is the mandate to take good care of our bodies. In my opinion, Sagittarius, that's the most important homework you have in the coming weeks. I hope you'll make dramatic strides in your understanding of what helps your body thrive.
via freewill astrology

Typing Test

84 words a minute. My job counselor asked me if I play piano.

Word.

Congratulations?

I put on Travis' nicest clothes and made my way to the R train into the City. By way of a friendly hookup I had wormed my way into an interview with a pretty professional Temping Agency. This was, of course, after my applications at GAP and Barnes & Noble totally fell through, something that I still find a little hard to believe. Really? All I'm asking to do is fold clothes. I have a Master's in Spanish Literature, I think I can handle it. (Do I sound bitter?)

From the start, the interview itself was more of a "when do you want to start?" situation, which is always pleasant. I took a typing test, a Word test, an Excel test, an Access test -- all to see if I could manage my way around an office without tripping over the computer cords. Apparently I'm okay, although I totally bluffed my way through the Excel test. I left feeling happier about the job situation, but still a little overwhelmed by where I am. It's a mark of how tough a city can be when you tell people you're new to New York and they all say, "Congratulations." When I asked someone why everyone does that, she said "Because it's so traumatic just getting here and surviving that it deserves it's own special recognition." Huh.

Here's to continued survival, I guess.

New Yawk, New Yawk

I'm realizing more and more that I hate the accent here. It's too sharp, too aggressive, and it makes me miss the soft throatiness of the southern drawl. Plus it's just plain ugly. New York City: The bad news is that I'm still looking for a job after being here one week. And although it may not sound like much, one week is plenty time looking for a job folding shirts or shuffling books on the shelf. Really, why do you even have to apply to do that? The good news is that I'm being courted -- nay, wooed! -- by one of my three universities that I'm applying to for my doctorate. They can't stop throwing money at me, a fact that I'm loving more than I care to admit. Who doesn't love to have someone declare their love for what you do? And then offer to pay you to do more of it! The bad news is that it's my fallback school, and that this magic money won't come through until August, when and if I actually attend this school. The good news is that I'm happy here, to an extent, sleeping in and watching so many Netflix movies with Travis that I'm afraid they'll revoke my membership. The good news is that bad times come and go, and I'm hoping to see this little rough patch out the door any day now.

Kites by Patty Griffin

The Sunday after there was laughter in the air
Everybody had a kite
They were flying everywhere
And all the trouble went away
And it wasn't just a dream
All the trouble went away
And it wasn't just a dream

In the middle of the night
We try and try with all our mights
To light a little light down here
In the middle of the night
We dream of a million kites
Flying high above
The sadness and the fear

Little sister just remember
As you wander through the blue
The little kite that you sent flying
On a sunny afternoon
Made of something light as nothing
Made of joy that matters too
How the little dreams we dream
Are all we can really do

In the middle of the night
The world turns with all of it's might
A little diamond colored blue
In the middle of the night
We keep sending little kites
Until a little light gets through

A Collection of Heavy-Handed Innuendoes from Last Night's Gay-Themed Episode of Date My Mom

Mom #3: "How do I describe you to him?"
Son #3: "Britney Spears without the boobs."

Dater: "I've always wanted to stuff my own sausage."

Mom #2: "He's a bartender."
Son #2: "A slut!"

Mom #1: "Are you the bun or the patty?"

Son #3: "Mention that I'm a model to emphasize my good looks."

Dater: "All three moms made me laugh, but only one of their sons is going to make me moan!"

Mom #1: "I told him you had a big winkie."
Son #1: "Fabulous."

Dater: "If Jared's tongue tastes this good, I can't wait to taste the rest of him!"

Dater, to Mom: "Do you think he'd let me give him a pearl necklace?"

Son #3: "Gawd, he sounds sssssuper hot."

Mom #2: "He's fabulous, you're fabulous, you'll be fabulous together."

New Slang

What the hell does free shwag mean? I hate English.

Gays in Space

Funny, funny stuff. Enjoy.

Resolutions 2006

So here goes nothing. There were a few resolutions that poured out of my soul with no previous thought or hesitation -- resolutions that have been boiling inside for such a long time that I can't stand another year of them. That said, these resolutions are gonna be cut from sterner stuff. 2006 is the year of the Resolute Resolve, bitches.

5. A firmer grasp of money management, a trait that I've let slide while in Spain, the land of perpetual youth and cash at hand.

4. Not to forget the hard lessons learned in Spain. Similarly, to find some way to continue working hard on my skillz and to live up to my own hype.

3. To be a dilligent student, a better friend, partner, and person. All the inside stuff.

2. To reclaim a little bit of my lost youth. Since when did I become such an old man in spirit?

1. A new you in 2006! Better health, better eating habits, better posture, better body. And to never look back.

Here's to a happy, safe, and resolute 2006.

Resolutions Review for 2005

Although I truly think a month is sufficient time to mull over my resolutions for the New Year, it's going to have to wait till tomorrow. Something that I meant to do sometime last month, which accidentally turned into the forgotten month of 2006, was a review of what actually happened to Old Man 2005's resolutions. If you recall correctly (I don't), some of those resolutions stuck fast beside me all year, while others abandoned me sooner or later...

5. To keep in better contact with friends and family back home.
I will be the first to admit that I'm not so great about email contact. Don't you love getting emails? Well, me too. I just don't like sending them. It's a combination of laziness and arrogance. That said, I didn't do too bad. B

4. To enjoy Spain more in whatever fashion (speaking, friends, volunteering).
I actually squeaked this one in towards the end with a dazzling epiphany about life in general. The problem was that I was so focused on what I wasn't doing that I stopped doing anything else to be miserable about my inaction. Confusing, huh? And pretty pointless, as I made some of my closest friends in Spain (granted, Americans for the most part) in my last few months. I didn't speak any more Spanish, I never volunteered in the end, but I began to enjoy Spain in a way that had been seriously lacking. A-

3. To become much more proactive about my future. This includes but is not limited to studying while not in school (ugh) and researching more thoroughly my doctoral choices.
Well, I applied to my schools, although every last one was done in December. It was a bit hastily put-together. I have done no reading for the doctorate (STILL), although I did apply for a kinda prestigious conference and was accepted. C+

2. To join and a gym and finally lose the extra poundage and put on that extra muscle.
2005 was my fattest year ever. I joined a gym in the final two months to reduce the butterballity, but the real results are going to be taking place in 2006. F

1. To become a better champion of truth and happiness and spread yoga-chakra love to everybody blah blah blah. You get the gist.
It's objective, but holla. A+

What Jessica Alba Isn't Thinking

"Hmmm, I wonder if these will look cute on me."

via the always hilarious goldenfiddle

The Calm Before

I've got plenty to say and not enough time to get it all out. I was struck down last week by a mutant virus given to me by the BABY, of all people, and was bedridden and dying for days on end. While that doesn't adequately explain a month-long silence, just feel sorry for me. And watch out for those 15-pound caucasian baby viruses out there.

In the meantime, think about me moving to New York in a week. Here's a little McSweeney's to get you going.

Responses to People on the 6 Train That
Hopefully Convey My Feelings in a Polite Way.

BY LEIGHTON DAVIS

Thank you for so gently cupping my ass when we came to a stop.

Clipping your fingernails is such a good use of time.

You partially sitting on my lap makes me feel like we are good friends.

That was wise of you to get onto the subway before that elderly woman was able to get off.

Would it be easier to stare at my breasts if I turned a little to the left?