Surprises

Joy at work, a phenomenally happy person in the best sense of the word, invites me to her 10:00p.m. post-Thanksgiving dinner. She promises cake if I show up. I hem and haw a bit, aware that my new tummy hasn't exactly forgotten the taste of sugar and might snap and wantonly eat all partygoers within arm's reach if tempted. Over the next few days, Joy reminds me of her party and repeatedly tells me how much she wants me there. I smile, because (here's the secret truth) I always feel like my reputation for being witty, or cute, or funny or whatever can't live up to such scrutinization. Sure, you may find me funny when you see me for a maximum of 30 minutes a day; who doesn't have at least a half hour of funny quips in them?

Tonight I got into my pajamas, I sat down to watch ancient reruns of Friends that tire me more than anything else, and I putted around the house aimlessly. I should be cooking dressing, or preparing things for tomorrow; I could be washing dishes, or mopping the floors. It's 9:51. Why not go to Joy's party?

So I go and of course, have a nice time. The spontaneous generosity in the world has truly begun to amaze me. I am, so granted and so consciously, a pretty self-involved person -- to make contact with these people that want to reach out and treat others (me!) to lunch or make cakes from the goodness of the heart just doesn't make a lot of sense. I hit this wall during the party when I began to watch Joy and I realized that I've lost a lot of that spirit, if I ever did have it. When did I get so "every man for themselves?" I didn't think that I had gotten so hard or so callous to the everyday kindness of the world, which can be a bit of a brutal realization to make. So, lost in introspective thought, I don't suppose I was the wittiest, or funniest, or whateverest of the guests there. I had nice conversations with the people next to me, I ate some brownies and smiled at jokes, I laughed when they were good. It was nice, and I was happy, and that was the biggest and best birthday surprise of all.