The Amazing Book

Thanks for reminding me. I should preface this entry with the fact that I've read a lot of books, but mostly in Spanish. Only recently, in order to while away time or sometimes for "passing time on the metro" reading, have I begun to read things in English. I gave in to the Da Vinci Code, desperately trying to crack the stupid clues as fast as symbologist Robert Langdon. I failed miserably and the book, although really interesting and a great read, was ultimately a letdown due to my inability to figure out where the Holy Grail was hidden.

But this book. At this point, I want to insert something horrendously cliché like, "Ahhhh, this book," and lean back and recollect fond memories. How could I do this without seeming too Masterpiece Theatre? It's just that this book was truly amazing, such that when I finished it, I immediately wanted to re-read the whole thing.

If you can reconcile yourself with its odd premise, the rest of the book falls into place. The protagonist Henry suffers from Chrono Displacement Order, the ability to time travel. Although it sounds cool enough -- he always travels to a point that has relevance to his own life -- the problem lies in the details: his time traveling is involuntarily and only happens when he's stressed, overly tired, or stands up suddenly. And when he time travels, he arrives naked and hungry. Consequently, he meets his wife when she's six and he's in his 40s; or, her first date with Henry. For him, their first date will be when they're both in their 20s; at this point, she has spent half her life with her future time traveling husband. He's never met her.

But I am doing this book a gross inservice. It isn't really about time travel, though it provides an interesting springboard into the heart of the novel. Ultimately this is a story about love, and waiting, and hope for the future. It's a story about holding on to hope and its slight shadows in the future. Tremendously moving, heartbreaking, and redeeming.

I'm not too terribly eloquent today, though, so just go get the book and I'll reimburse you.

Will Resume Service Shortly

I've been surprisingly busy with unpacking (still haven't done it) and extra classes that I agreed to (only two more to go, thank God!). As soon as I can reign these things in a bit, I'll be updating with my continued adventures. Remind me to tell you about the Amazing Book, a little more about The Trip Home, and the ID Card of a Whale. In the meantime, marvel at Baby and I.

Surprise!

I jumped out from behind the door dramatically. My sister looked up from her phone conversation and her eyes widened. This is how my official Whirlwind Trip home began, and less than 48 hours later I was on the plane heading back to Spain. But for the moment, I was home. I latched on to Baby immediately, made sure that my sister turned on the Spanish lullaby CDs I brought with me, and watched in amazement as his tiny hand just barely grabbed my thumb. I talked with my sister for a long time about nothing in general, about baby stuff, about life. It was strange, though; with the new baby I feel like I've suddenly been made part of the older generation. We're not the kids anymore, we've become the adults who have the kids, and part of me doesn't know what to do with that responsibility. I looked down at the baby and began to whisper to him in Spanish.

Party People

This past week the clouds parted, the cold was chased away, and temperatures rose suddenly. A few over-eager Americans even busted out their shorts. I took a more tempered route, wary of a return to winter at any moment. But the temperatures have continued to rise nonetheless, leading me to wonder if this is truly the beginning of Spring.

This Spring promises good things: new friends, more work with Spanish, a class and preparation for what I refer to as the Spanish SATs. After school yesterday, I went to get a little something to eat with some of my favorite students. (We thoughtfully neglected to tell the other members of class, who coincidentally are the ones who gave me one or two negative marks on my evaluations. Curse your picky kind!) We had a really nice time, speaking Spanish since the students adamantly refuse to speak English outside of class time. I am secretly happy about this.

Spring promises good things, but you still gotta watch your back. Cathy's unintelligible Northern Irish Mum is visiting (did she say tea or bedspread?), and while walking in the center yesterday we were spotted by some skeezy gypsy women who tried to pickpocket us all. But POW!, I am an untrusting person. I pushed the woman over as she sidled up to me, her hands poised to reach into my pants pockets. But they were an insistent, dark-skinned lot. She then walked behind us and tried to point slyly at Cathy's Mum to her companions, signaling an easy target. I tell the ladies to hang onto their stuff, and we foil the Gypsy's plans. I turn around and glare. She raises her hands in mock confusion, as if to say "Who? Little ol' me?"

I am not fooled.
After every skirmish with their ilk, I think I become a little more racist.

Like Snow, Like Gold

Baby takes a nap. So far this is all I have seen Baby do in pictures.


And Baby definitely has the nose.

Another Reason To Love The Internet

Have fun with your name, too. Spell naughty things.

Something You've Seen Before

You know the drill. Periodically you get these things in your email box, and you never fill them out because you think they're garbage. I like to fill one out about twice a year and send it to my friends, just to keep up with all the mundane items that we never really talk about. I love to get them because it reminds me of the little things and because it makes me feel that much more in touch with someone that I could normally stand to talk to a little more. I miss you all.

1. First Name: Bobby
2. Were you named after anyone? Yes, my father
3. Do you wish on stars? No, but I really should
4. Which finger is you favourite? My middle finger, left hand
5. When did you last cry? A few days ago, thinking about life and love and my dearly departed abuelita Nanny.
6. Do you like your handwriting? I LOVE my handwriting
7. What is your favourite lunch meat? I guess turkey, although it used to be fat-free bologna
8. Any bad habits? Currently, a 3 hour a day internet addiction, overeating, sloth
9. What's in your CD player right now? I don't have a CD player, but I suppose the last CD I listened to was Sacha Sacket
10. Do you believe in soul mate? I'm starting to
11. Are you a daredevil? No
13. Do looks matter? Yeah, I think so
14. Are you trendy? Somewhat, less so as I get older
15. How do you release anger? Writing, reading, surfing the internet
16. Where are your second homes? Madrid (is this a first home now?), Atlanta, Syracuse
17. Do you trust others easily? Yes
18. What was your favourite toy as a child? A black panther doll (not like a Black Panther, a militant black doll, although in retrospect that would have been much cooler to have)
19. What class in school did you think was totally useless? I totally ignored Math, and now have a crippling mathematics deficiency
20. Do you have a journal? No, a blog!
21. Do you use sarcasm? Not really
22. Have you been in a Mosh pit? No
23. What do you look for in a boy/girl? A sense of humor
24. What are your Nicknames? Bobby Dean, Deano, Boobie
25. Would you ever bungee jump? Only if everyone else was doing it
26. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Always
27. Do you think that you are strong? No, but I did carry the 30lb. microwave from Carrefour to my house, which is a 45 minute journey through the metro and across blocks and blocks
28. What's your favourite ice cream flavour? Pumpkin
29. What's your favourite colour? Blue
30. What is your least favourite food? Stinky Queso Cabrales. Shellfish, because it makes me die.
31. How many wisdom teeth do you have? None
32. How many people have a crush on you right now? None?
33. Who do you miss most right now? Travis, my family, Dane, the list grows and grows...
34. What are you wearing? Pajama bottoms, a black T-shirt, a gray fleece
35. What you listening to right now? "Is Heaven Good Enough for you?" by Allison Moorer (this is country music!)
36. What was the last thing you ate? Meatballs
37. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Dark Blue
38. How is the weather right now? Warmish, but I think it's supposed to rain
39. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? My Dad
40. First thing you notice about the opposite sex? Uh, nothing? Eyes
41. Favourite drink? Diet Vanille Coke, even though I haven't had it in FOREVER
42. Favourite alcoholic drink? Red wine
43. Favourite sports to watch? Puh-leez.
44. Favourite day of the year? Christmas or my birthday because I get presents
45. Summer or winter? This isn't an option: fall
46. Do you want your friends to write back? In general, in life? Sure. Because of this thing? Nah.
47. Who is most likely to respond? No one, this is a blog.
48. Who is less likely to respond? See #47
49. What book are you reading? Da Vinci Code (I gave in)
50. Favourite song? Unfair question. My iPod tells me it's "Samson" by Regina Spektor
51. Favourite board game? Cranium. It's crazy fun.
52. What did you watch on TV last night? Half of Cathy's movie before retreating to the safety of the internet.
53. Favourite smells? Home

Taiki Orders Lasagna

Funny: Your friend telling you that there is raspberry jam on top of his lasagna. Spain is crazy!

Better: You realizing that it is, in fact, NOT raspberry jam but balsamic vinaigrette. Your friend is retarded.

Spring Fever

Although the birth of Grandson #1 is creating a round-the-clock party over in Georgia, things have been pretty quiet over at my end of the world. There is, however, a recent plague of squirmy Spring Fever affecting me and sometimes Cathy. This stems from a visit to Austrian Peter's apartment last Sunday, where I realized that his place is approximately 4,000% nicer than mine. I returned home from the party full of tiramisu, wine and a renewed desire to redecorate the apartment. I presented my ideas in list form to Cathy, taking her on a tour of possible renovations in the apartment. We were forced to compromise several times, and some of my more grandiose ideas were shot down (I can't have creeping ivy throughout the whole house?!), but I'm GETTING A MICROWAVE and I refuse to back down. Why would you not want a microwave? That's wack.

I've also decided to rearrange my room, a complex series of odds-and-ends that may take more concentration to shuffle around than I am willing to give. Ever since I accidentally tore the ONLY wallplug out of the wall and shut off the electricity to the entire apartment, I've had to use an extension cord to supply my room with power. This is both negative and positive: I have to steer clear of the dangling wires and risk electroshock everytime I put my head on the pillow, but I am provided with a new mobility. I can rearrange the room however I would like now that the extension cord travels with me. I'm totally not getting my deposit back from this place.

Ways To Celebrate Your Nephew's Birth

Tell a client over the phone and get a small note from the Nicest Coworker Ever which reads "Congratulations Tío Dean"

Insert it casually into conversations, regardless of the topic

Teach the Past Perfect Continuous

Pause on the fourth floor, while walking down to class, for a moment of amazement

When someone congratulates you, continually say "I didn't do anything!" in mock confusion

Dream about the nephew in question as a three-year-old who you speak Spanish to

Frantically search for someone's cellphone to call the hospital in America and then, when all hope is lost and only through a magical act of God, remember the number

Wish you were gathered with family members, staring through the glass in wonder

Laugh when your Father tells you, in a disappointed tone, that the baby has your sister's nose

Look at the pictures and concur with your Father

Speculating: The Whole Thing

Yesterday I began the official Substitution For Money Scheme as devised by Boss, and it wasn't too bad. However, I was ridiculously unprepared for the private class that I substituted, a preparatory class in Finance vocabulary. You see, I come from a long line of Georgian farmers and Puerto Rican campesinos, and working with money and its subsequent vocabulary isn't exactly in my repertoire of skills. Also, I may possibly be reverse autistic; smart in other things and laughable at Math. Think Anti-Rainman.

So halfway through the class, rather than continue looking through the dictionary for these wacky words that I had never heard of, I started making up their definitions. Rationalization? Thinking hard. Speculation? Like Rationalization, but the whole thing (I actually said this, confusing myself as much as the student). Overdraft? This I actually knew, from past experience.

It's possible that I'm the worst English teacher in the world.

Oh Yeah, I Forgot

I've been eating a lot of hot dogs. It's messed up.

New Leaves

And you thought I'd forgot about my New Year's Resolutions, all jazzed up with color to make them that much more real. The truth is, some of them have sort of fallen by the wayside and been left for dead. Alas, I hardly knew them. However, I've actually been pushing and pulling at some of them in an attempt to fit them into my life more completely. I have been working hard at making my time in Spain more Spanish, at taking advantage of where I am. After a few months of nothing, behold! Budding developments!

Budding Development #1. This is sitting in my room right now, waiting for me to first discuss some kind of payment with M at work and then actually begin working on it. It is a parents' book, a how-to-guide on teaching your baby to swim. My task, should I choose to accept it, is to translate all 200 pages of weirdness. Sample sentence: "Let your baby sink in the water." I think it might take a lot to make this not sound like a creepy baby murder book.

Budding Development #2. There is a scary test called the DELE, which tests your Foreign Person Knowledge of Spanish. The test is divided up into Listening, Writing, Reading, and Oral sections. Cathy decided to take the test and because I'm a sincere copycat I decided I should do it as well. I've bought some books and am currently deciding on whether to take the test in May or in November. Also, UNNAMEDPLACEOFWORK (DONTFIREME) has decided that they will pay for a Spanish tutor to prepare me for this exam. I'm actually pretty hyped up for this test. Bring it.

The rest are too fuzzy and hazy at this point, but include new friends and volunteering my disappearing free time to work at a film festival or on a literary theory magazine. This last one, if it indeed pans out, will be the most exciting and worthwile of all.

This Is The Work Story

I've been watching myself falling deeper and deeper into the hideous web of internet dependency. I get home about noon every day and spend approximately 3.5 hours surfing, reading my favorite blogs, and attempting to download songs. Oblivious to the cries of my favorite horoscope, urging me continually to break free of my complacency, I have wasted so many hours in front of the computer. This is the preface.

My horoscope suggested future problems somewhat slyly: "Save your righteous anger for causes when you are truly justified; neglect your own hypocrisy and suffer the consequences." The Academy began ringing shortly after that, hounding me about substitutions and bringing up mountains of negativity. I began to get more and more upset, boiling inside by day and dreaming of beheading bleeding puppets at night. And that is MESSED UP. But my horoscope had a point. I was demanding that they leave me alone so I could do what? Enjoy more quality time with my computer?

After a night of tossing and turning, I hesitantly headed into work to talk to my boss (no names: please don't fire me), who assured me that he still wanted to pay me full-time if only I would work a maximum of 2 hours a week. He went so far as to promise me that these hours would always be immediately before or preceding my current schedule. I relented, hoping I wasn't opening myself to a royal screwing-over in the future and that karma would honor my choice and reward me with sacks of money.

Give Me A Little Minute

I realize that I haven't said anything in a few days, and certainly nothing substantial in about a week. Things have been very hectic, very scary, and very exciting. Remind me to tell you about my job, to spill the gossip on new Spanish events, and to stop eating so many hot dogs.

Be back in a minute.

Courtesy of McSweeney's

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters.
BY ADAM KOFORD

- - - -

Chunky
Super-charged
Pondy
Wine-a-licious
Alcoholy
Hallucinatory
Crippling
Caffeinated
Sludgy
Berserker-rage-inducing